ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
