Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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