mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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