i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
