I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
