my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize