You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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