youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
