I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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