Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.