I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.