I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
