maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
