I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
