if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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