Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
