We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
