dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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