So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
