I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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