I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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