just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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