they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
