he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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