I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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