I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
