So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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