Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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