Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
