he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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