Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
