Please, let me fuck your mom
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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