Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
