Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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