I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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