to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
