I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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