"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
