he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
