TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
