im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
