I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
