the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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