Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
