nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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