i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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