she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
