Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
