Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
