I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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