If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
