i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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