I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
