my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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