bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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