Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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