Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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