hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
someone owes me an orgasm
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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